Ups and Downs of Chronic Illness

Hi everybody! I'm so sorry for the radio silence over the last week or so. I've honestly felt so horrible that I didn't have any energy (or spoons) to spare to type a post. But now I'm slightly better! This time last week, & up until yesterday, I was on continuous oxygen due to severe POTS and Myasthenia Gravis complications. I couldn't even breathe well enough to talk in a full voice for about a day. It was so scary, but the spoonie community really helped me to power through it. I really appreciate and love each one of you! 

My sister came over to visit me, but she's a real go-getter (what ten year old isn't?) and I felt TERRIBLE about myself because j couldn't do anything with her. However, she was so mature about everything and played games with me in bed. It was actually a really fun time, and it took my mind off the pain. 

One of the things I hate most about chronic illness is the not-knowing. I feel like I'm walking aimlessly through the dark, and I can't find the light. Sometimes, I even feel as if I'm walking in circles. I always ask myself, "am I doing the right thing?" "Should I give up on doctors?" "Do I really need to research this & be told I talk about sickness too much?" It's the same things over and over and over. Every time I trust a doctor who promises to help me, he tells me something else that's wrong but doesn't try and fix it. I honestly feel like no ones in my corner, backing me up when I'm too scared to stand up for myself. My health is deteriorating and I don't know where I'll be in 6 months, a year... Will I even make it that long? That is literally the scariest thing that can go through my mind, but I am forced to think it every single day because no one can give me and answers. It's just like I've been thrown into the wind, with my health blowing me in every direction at once, and eventually I'll hit the ground. I'm trying to be positive, as new doctors say they are helping, but I don't see any progress yet. 

On the other hand, with chronic illness comes the "ups". They are few and far in between, but they're certainly existent. Today, I traveled 4 hours to see my endocrinologist, and also to get an MRI. The endocrinologist explained that my norepinephrine levels were crazy high, and that my adrenals are completely out of whack. He also found out I have Inflammatory Thyroid Disease, most likely Hashimoto's. This will eventually turn to Hypothyroidism, which is yet another diagnosis added to the list. But, I'm so thankful he found out so much and is willing to find ways to resolve each problem as it comes. My MRI went good also, & I'm hoping it will shed some light on my constant head pain issue. It's not that I want something to be wrong, but I just want the pain to stop. 

Today was an "up" day for me, and for that I am so thankful. I was even able to walk on the RiverWalk for about 5 minutes (better than nothing!) and I had so much fun. Being ill has made me strive for these "ups" and enjoy them as much as I can. Having multiple chronic illnesses is definitely a roller coaster ride, but I'm learning to make this life worthwhile. I've learned so much about myself and the world around me, and I can honestly say I wouldn't trade my life for anything. 

Remember everyone, seek the "ups", power through the "downs", and be happy in the life that you live. This life is short - make it count. ❤️

FIGHT LIKE A SPOONIE!

xoxo, 

Johna