How My Teacher Unknowingly Saved My Life

Chronic illness takes a toll on anyone who is affected. Especially when you don't have doctors on your side when things get rough. When new symptoms come up out of the blue, and there's no one to run to, you eventually get tired of "being brave" or "pushing through the pain". For some, the harsh reality of chronic illness becomes too much, and they only see one way out - suicide.

I was in the school bathroom one day, after an administrator led me there because I had temporarily gone blind, due to an eye condition called Septo-Optic Dysplasia. For weeks prior, I had heard other kids whispering about me in the halls as I was walked to class. They said things like, "She only wants attention" and "She's such a faker". As I sat in the stall, I heard two girls talking, and I recognized one of the voices as a friend I'd known for years. She whispered, "You know she's pretending, right? She just likes when the teachers pay attention to her. She should kill herself."

I cried for a few minutes, then I decided she was right. There's no reason for me to be here if all I am is a burden. No one wants to have to walk me to class or read all my math tests out loud to me. I knew what I had to do. A few days later, I came home from school and went to the kitchen. I grabbed the first pill bottles I could find and screamed to God that I'm sorry, but then I froze. I couldn't do it. Something told me that I was going to get help soon, even though I didn't understand how.

I hid the pain and drug myself to school. I had to stay after school that day to finish a calculus test, so my teacher got out her book and sat next to me so she could read it to me, as usual. She knew something was wrong, so she gently encouraged me, thinking I was frustrated with the math. She looked at me with such sincerity as I sat there trying not to cry. She whispered, "you can do this", and I realized that, finally, there was someone who cared. I apologized over and over for being "such a hassle" and she reassured me that "[I am] not a burden" and to never think that I was any trouble. She said she'd "do anything for me". For the first time in months, I felt happy.

After that day, I looked forward to going to school, and I actually enjoyed learning calculus. My teacher helped me to realize that I am strong, and I do have a purpose, whether other people see that or not. I realized that my life was turning around, for the better. She instilled in me a passion to succeed and to live happily, despite my challenges and the bullying that I have faced. She is my role model and I hope to be as great of a teacher as she is when I'm older. She has continued to help me through my senior year, and we've spent many hours working on calculus tests out loud together, even though we do get distracted quite often to tell a funny story or watch a video on Facebook.

My teacher and I working on a test together, with my video magnifier.

Without my wonderful teacher, I would not be here today, and I also would not have pursued my dream of becoming a teacher of the visually impaired and blind. I am so blessed to have met one of the greatest teachers. It's amazing how someone can save your life with one simple phrase.

"You can do this".

Flashback Friday during Spirit Week

7 Awkward Situations I've Been Put Into as a Legally Blind Person

Hey guys!
 
     So, as you may have guessed - this post is about my vision issues and the weird things that have happened as a direct result of them. I find these absolutely hilarious!


     Being "legally blind" and "completely/totally blind" are the two most different things I can think of, but some people just don't realize this difference. Assumptions are made, and then there I am, left having to explain the situation to a complete stranger in the line at Starbucks or something like that. So here are the 7 most {awkward} situations I can recall:


1.) "What does she want?"
     Oh, this question... It has been asked to my grandma, friends, boyfriends, everyone. Picture this: I'm sitting in a casual restaurant, glancing over the menu. I'm holding it probably less than 3 inches from my face. I'm also most likely rocking back and forth in my chair, or moving my head from side to side. The waiter/waitress walks over to my table, notices what I'm doing, and looks at me pityingly. Then, they look over to whoever I'm currently dining with and ask "what does she want?" as if I cannot speak. Then. my grandma responds with the grand ol' "I don't know, why don't you ask her?" and I have to reply with "Oh, sorry... I have a vision problem, um, excuse me if I look weird, but I can order for myself. Oh, and I'd like the Filet Mignon please."


2.) "Do you know sign language?"
     Firstly, boy from my school bus, I think your logic is slightly off. I can hear just fine. "Did you mean Braille? In that case, no. I can read print if it's large enough." At this point, I am receiving the most confused look ever. "...But I thought you were blind." Great, here we go again. So I spend the next five minutes of my life explaining that I am not blind but I am visually impaired. This means that I can see. I also had to explain the difference between sign language and Braille to that young man - and I slightly lost hope in humanity that day.


3.) "Betcha don't know how many fingers I'm holding up!"
   I hate this question, and you would never believe how many times it's been asked to me. I was just minding my own business, using my video magnifier to enlarge my notes in an American Lit class, when a fellow classmate walks over. Oh gosh, it's the class clown. "Keep walking, keep walking," I think. But nope, he stops right in front of my desk, sneers, and holds two fingers so close to my face, I could tell you what he ate for lunch 2 days beforehand. "Betcha don't know how many fingers I'm holding up!" When everyone starts staring, he felt the need to say "Well, she's blind so..." Then, of course, I had to explain - for the millionth time - I'm not blind, and that he was in fact holding up two fingers. He was stunned. *mic drop*

4.) "Here, _______. Do this for her."
     Hello? I'm right here, and I can hear everything you're saying. Maybe, instead of asking my friend to fill out a paper for me or cut something out for a project, quietly ask me if I am able to see well enough to complete the task myself. Much to your surprise, I'll usually say yes. However, if I don't say yes, I'll politely ask you for help. Then, it is completely acceptable to get a friend or someone else I trust to assist me. Or, you can ask how you could make the task easier for me. I could always give a suggestion. I like to be independent, and it really hurts my feelings when people make the assumption that I cannot do things for myself. Also, it's quite embarrassing when you ask a random person to do something for me. Therefore, just ask me. I don't bite most of the time!

5.) "Stop, you'll hurt yourself!"
     Okay, let's just take a moment to ponder this. I have a visual impairment (which is a disability), but I don't recall taping a "fragile: please handle with care" sticker to my forehead. I will not break, I promise. I am very comfortable with my abilities, or lack thereof, and I know my limits better than anyone else. It's very uncomfortable being called out in the middle of say - play rehearsal - to be told not to do a certain dance move or lean too close to the edge of the stage because I might "hurt" myself. That's what glow-in-the-dark tape is for, right? If something does happen, which I can't recall something significantly dangerous happening due to my vision, I'll be okay just like everyone else. Accidents happen, and I'm no exception. But, please, don't make a mountain out of a molehill regarding my visual impairment.

6.) "If you hold that phone so close, you're gonna go blind!"
     Too late, dear. I'm way ahead of you of that one, unfortunately. I was in the line at Starbucks, glancing over the menu on my phone so I could be fully prepared when the barista asked for my order (Darn you, social anxiety), when the woman behind me snickers. I turned around, hoping to see something pretty funny, but she was looking my way. I turned back behind me, completely confused. She then says "If you hold that phone so close, you're gonna go blind!" then she goes back to looking at the pastries, as if nothing happened. I didn't want to say anything, but something in me began talking anyway. "I have a problem seeing things far away, so I do hold my phone a bit closer. Sorry if it's bothering you." Then we have to just stand in line silently for the next 3 minutes until I can order my Grande White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino and leave. Can we say awkward?

7.) "I'm pretty sure that's 10 dollars."
     This was possibly the most uncomfortable situation ever when it happened, but is quite funny now. I had walked into the dollar store to buy a birthday card for my cousin (I know it's bad that I got a birthday card from the dollar store but that's not the point) and I was just getting ready to pay when the cashier saw me having a hard time with my money, struggling to read the numbers on the bills. I finally got myself together and handed him a 20 dollar bill. I waited for my 17-and-some-odd dollars back when he hands me 7 dollars instead. "Excuse me, but I gave you a 20." He looks absolutely disgusted. "I'm pretty sure that's 10 dollars." he says. I had no idea what to say; thank goodness a lady I knew from church was behind me in line. She proceeded to tell him how rude it was to take advantage of someone who couldn't see. She literally made me cry, right there in the checkout line, because I was so happy someone had stuck up for me. So, long story short, I held up the entire line that day over a birthday card.


As you can see, many misconceptions and generalizations are made about someone with a visual impairment - or any disability for that matter. However, you have to make the best of the bad situations and see the humor in it. The moral of this story is: (a) things aren't always as they seem, and (b) don't buy birthday cards from the dollar store.


FIGHT LIKE A SPOONIE!


xoxo,


Johna

An Open Letter to the Teacher that Destroyed My Confidence

Hi y'all!

So I haven't blogged in a few weeks because I've been so busy, but I'm baaaack! As many of you know, I have participated in theatre ever since I've been in high school. Acting is a way for me to creatively express myself all while having a great time! I've also made some amazing memories in the last three years on the stage of Thomson High School, from being the Coroner in "The Wizard of Oz", to being in my tower as Rapunzel in "Into The Woods". I've also met many friends that will be a part of my life for years to come.

However, this year is different. I have made the decision to not participate. Not because of health concerns, but because of the director. (For confidentiality reasons - I'm not using her name)

Dear Teacher that Destroyed my Confidence, 

For the last three years, you've watched me give my best effort, bring a positive attitude, and successfully participate in multiple shows all while battling many health issues. You've continually bashed me by saying things like "You cannot do this." or "You won't fit into this cast." all because I have a VISUAL IMPAIRMENT. You've left me feeling disappointed when I'm constantly proving that I CAN do something, and you still inform me that it's impossible. You've pushed me around the stage, shoving me into a spot, assuming I can't see well enough to walk by myself. But, you've never given me a chance. I was destined to fail, because of your unkind words and actions. You've yelled in my face, asking me why I'm here, when all I want to do is be included. Is that too much to ask? You've put me down in front of the entire cast, just to embarrass me. You've told me I was "useless". So, I've had enough.

You always say "this year's our year", but I'm tired of the false hope. I don't want any part of a group that makes me feel excluded and I certainly don't want to be in a place where I am told that I "don't fit in". I don't have to be shouted at for having water, sitting down, or needing a restroom. I don't want to be afraid to ask for help anymore. I want to go back to truly believing in myself, and feeling like I can do anything. I quit. No more being blamed for things I have no control over, no more useless tears, and no more being told I'm not worth the effort, because I am worth it. No more limiting me. 

Lastly, if you're reading this, I just want to say thank you. (Stay with me here, I'm not crazy). Thank you for showing me that there will be obstacles and challenges in this world, but there's always a way to overcome it. Thank you for teaching me to do what's best for me. Thank you for making me dig down deep in myself and realize that I am important, and that I mean something. Without this horrible experience, I would've never truly understood my worth. However, before you bring someone down because of a disability, imagine yourself in their shoes. What would you do if someone told you "you're not worth it"? I honestly hope no other child has to feel the way I did, when all they want is to be a part of the group.

Sincerely,

Johna

Thanks so much everyone, I hope this post was inspiring. Remember, no matter what anyone's ever said to you, you are worth it, and I love you. Please find it in you to love yourself as much as I love you. Don't let anyone destroy your confidence! 

FIGHT LIKE A SPOONIE!

xoxo,

Johna